If I’m Being Honest

If I’m being honest, I have no idea what I’m doing. I won’t act like I do. I am simply going to write and you, my dear reader, are going to read.

If I’m being honest, all I want is to get to know you. In what capacity, I’m not sure, but I know I want to get to know you. I want to get to know you slowly, on purpose, thoroughly. Not by accident, not because the timing of our thumbs scrolling across a screen prompted an algorithm to match us like playing cards in a guessing game. I want to get to know you slowly, to take my time, to enjoy the walk rather than focus on the destination.

If I’m being honest, I hope this walk turns into a journey, and on this journey I hope to find detours filled with the possibility of swimming deeper into your mind. And with each detour, I want to explore the paths, climb the trees, scale the mountains and run through the fields that lead us to an even grander pasture, opening worlds even our most imaginative minds could not create.

I want to get to know you, all of you, with intent and clarity. I want to get to know you on levels no one else knows about because we are the crafters of our own language.

If I’m being honest, I have no idea what love is anymore. Forever commitment is too daunting, but short term lust is unsustainable. I want to get to know you – no, I need to get to know you. It’s a yearning my heart desires and my body craves, as I type with all the intent in the world, my keyboard getting sticky from the tiny sweat beads bouncing off my hands, forming forever fingerprints on each key.

If I’m being honest, my heart hurts and my soul is heavy. My physical being wants connection instantaneously but my mind has turned off, raising the walls to protect from the scary truth called intimacy.

If I’m being honest, you already anger me. I have known you for so little time, yet you fuel a rage in me that I cannot deny; it must be explored. I have no choice but to befriend my unease and fall in love with this firey passion labeled rage and transform it into a soothing comfort called curiosity that allows me to embrace you as well as explore us together. And just as you anger me, I know I anger you to. I bother you because I cannot meet you where you want me at the exact time you want me. We are two stubborn pillars unable to move out of our own ways, but there is no other option, this must be explored.

If I’m being honest, I am not sure what I want for my forever, but I know what I want for my right now; my present life, the tiny scope in which I can focus on fully, intentionally, thoroughly, on purpose.

If I’m being honest reader, we are doing something extraordinary. We are two souls, four eyes and two minds connecting in one space, coming together in the singular platform presenting these words. We are transcendning time and space through my writing and your reading. We are relaying ideas and sharing a commonality of human closeness.

Reader, if you are are still with me, I want you to know I have no idea what I’m doing or what I want for my forever, but I do know I want you along for this part of my journey and that is nonnegotiable.