Who Am I?

Who am I to think that sleeping is going to fix my problems? If I stay in my bed long enough I’ll wake up and everything will be better. I’m struggling right now and I don’t know what to do. I sign up for the webinars to “further my professional growth”. I reach out to my circle for my “mental health”, and end up in the same spot I’ve been in for years. Same conclusions, spinning my wheels and gaining no traction. What is happening? Life is happening right before my eyes and it’s my turn to be confused and scared and take on life’s problems, looking and acting like I have it together like every other adult in my life before me. Oh, joy.

What is going on? What do I feel anymore? I have no idea. I feel like I’ve been on pause for so long that I don’t know how to feel anymore. Numb. Neutral -numb. Things are “just fine”. That means nothing is happening upstairs. My brain is on autopilot and I’m not feeling anything. Until it all comes at once. I’m hurting and I haven’t hurt like this in a while. It feels good. It feels bad. It feels AWFUL. Thank god I’m feeling again. What is this? I haven’t written in over 2 years, but I’m writing now.

Who am I to think anything I have to say is an inspiration? Anything I’ve said has already been said by millions before me, just in different words. So I will say them again; in different words. There is nothing special or unique about a person transitioning from one phase to the next. The only thing that makes this unique is that it’s my own, personal experience. These are the same lessons people have been learning for years past and will learn for years to come, except these series of events have signed perfectly to fit my personal life. I can only hope something I have to say helps just one person.

Feeling is hard. But that’s my M.O.; feeling. Since I could remember I didn’t understand the meaning of “hiding your emotions”; I have made myself feel every emotion that came up because I knew the only way out was through, even if it hurt. I couldn’t help it. Now I’m 24 and don’t know how to feel anymore it seems. There is no remedy for how to do this. There just isn’t. I guess what I’ve figured out is, you have to build your intuition and trust it and trust it so much you’re rock solid with it. Have talks with yourself and argue with yourself. And then make-up with yourself. Love yourself and become your best friend so that you can be your own guide and lead yourself to where you need to be. Trust yourself, and keep trusting yourself. That is how you make it through. I feel like my feelings are on fire and I don’t know how to put them out. I’m glad about it. I’m hurt about it. What is happening? I’m tired.

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