ADHD and Self Confidence

“don’t write that, they don’t care.”

“What could you have to offer to the world that hasn’t already been offered?”

“What could you say that hasn’t already been said?”

“There are so many writers and books and artists, and designers, and thinkers out there that have already done this thing. Nothing you do is original. Why are you trying?”

            -My Monkey Brain

Does this sound familiar at all?  This is incredibly common for myself. The territory in my head is a battlefield and I don’t wish anyone to take a walk through that, but I bring this up because more and more people are becoming more comfortable taking the plunge I see as artists, writers, and creatives! This makes me think: Have I turned to art bc I couldn’t seem to discipline myself long enough to study for science, or math, or history, or some other subject that had hard and fast rules? Was art a “cop out” for little Maria? Or have my innocent arting and crafting grown into writing passages and designing graphic themes of life that seem to be glossed over?

I’m a writer, right? But I haven’t been like this my entire life. A lot of people seem to think that in order for you to be something in your adulthood, you need to have demonstrated passion or an interest in it in your childhood; I include myself in this. I too believed that in order for me to “be something” when I grew up that I needed to start super young, have a burning desire for that “thing” throughout my life to prove to the world that I was that “thing” and that somehow shaped my identity. But I am just discovering now, more recently, that is not the case. I have always been a kid who, when passionate about something, went full speed ahead; but once that initial fire burned out, I threw that hobby away. I never really followed things through. Everything requires discipline. Which is what is so hard when you have ADHD. My monkey brain wants to come out and play! 

This has created a roadblock many a time for myself and has contributed to my confidence fluctuating based on what my monkey brain tells me what I can do on certain days. So, how do we get past these roadblocks and ignore our monkey brains? I have no clue. (reader, if you were hoping for an answer here, I’m sorry but you might not get one…) People say I am more aware of the world around me than I realise, but sometimes I don’t believe it. Is it possible you can be so aware that you become confused by what is real and what is white noise trying to distract you?

How can I create when I feel like no one actually wants to read my words or see my visuals? Just keep doing it. Creativity is my avenue to express what is inside myself, I should not be smothering it. This goes for you to fellow creator. Keep creating. Keep doing the thing that you do so well because that is what you were brought to this planet to do. No one can put words together like you, creator. No one can paint like you can, no one can draw like you and no one can take pictures like you do. There is always someone out there who wants to hear your perspective and see your views. The more people create, the more communities get built, and the more communities get built, the less alone people feel. Let’s keep building communities and celebrating people’s passions for life.

Forget what your monkey brain tells you, don’t you dare stop being your unique creative self.

A Letter to Myself, I Thought Was Important for You to Read

Love openly. love honestly, and appreciate the journey. See all the trials and tribulations for what they are; growing pains that help navigate two people into a better understanding relationship. Take all the criticisms and bickering and opposing thoughts and see your people for how they truly are without all the curated lenses we have created and the unrealistic expectations we have made up for them. Strip away the images you have created about your people, step back and really reflect on who they are, purely as themselves. By doing this, it will help to understand your place in their lives, and once that has been figured out, you can then move forward to a more pure and transparent relationship.

When you look at your people, I hope you see faces glowing of well-wishes for you and themselves and their own people! I hope when you see your people, your heart is filled with love and comfort. We may not agree with our people or like certain things they do or certain ways in how they live, but I hope you have genuine love for them as they are, and likewise they reciprocate back to you.

Be there for your people unconditionally, but with boundaries. Don’t be there when it will stretch you too thin, or when you’re hungry, tired, drained or plainly in a terrible mood. Be there when you can fully be there. Be there because you want to be there, and recognize that this person asked you to be there with them. Appreciate that they decided you were the person they wanted by their side for that particular situation, whatever that may be, and honor that by being there with them fully and presently.

They say if you can count five people who are truly there for you on one hand, then you are incredibly blessed. I am going further to say if you can count on both hands you’re mega blessed and if you have to move to toes, well then, you have a tremendous support system ready to catch you if you ever fall. Do not take that for granted if you can help it. I know I have for a while. Growing up having your entire family around to watch you grow and create memories with you, well, I count myself extremely blessed. But having that my life for the past 23 years, I have taken for granted my core people most definitely. Since they were there there from my day one, I assumed they’d always be there for me, and they most certainly have been, but it changes as I grow up, just as it changes for them. This is when I stop and think to appreciate them fully how far we have come.

What I am trying to tell you reader, is that growing into young adulthood, I am coming to terms with relationships changing, developing, and evolving. It has been very difficult but it has also been extremely beautiful to experience. Being able to watch my people’s transformations has been an enlightening, wonderful experience. Even if I was going through these changes with them and it wasn’t the best of times that got us to where we are today, we made it through together and stronger as a team.

So, maybe I did have to write this for me, and maybe I didn’t have to publish my self-discovery lesson, but I did anyway. I thought it would be a good thing to put out into the universe as we wrap up 2020. This year has been so tough, for many reasons and even more than I am able to comprehend, but I pray and you are healing reader, at least starting to in some way, shape or form. Keep remembering that you are doing your best, as are your people in your circle. Keep the faith and grow the love.

ADHD & the Monkey

Lift, screen, stare,

Stare, screen, stare, screen, stare, twitch, fidget, distract.

Blink, stare, drool, sweat, type.

Confuse, stress, overthink, spiral.

Pivot, smaller screen, quiet typing, more starring.

Tired, hungry, walk, snack, hunch, smaller screen again, more sweating.

Snap back, no more hunch, deep breathe, stare,

Bigger screen, louder typing, more sweating.

Overthink, anxiety, depress, spiral, again, snap back, sip.

Focus, stare, type, stare, switch.

Stare, distract, snap back, type, stare, focus, focus, focus, focus more, keep focusing, switch, swig, type more, keep typing, focus more, more focusing, more typing, type more, keep typing, typing more.

Done.

Exhale.

Eyes close.

Deep breathe, deep breathe again, another deep breath.

Eye open, come to, resurface, look, smile, feel relief.

Submit.

“You had time to write this, and draw that picture, and do those other things…why is it so hard to do school things?” I DON’T KNOW, STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!!!!!

Priorities are HARD (*cries*) they are; judge me all you fucking want. Priorities are HARD. Yes, I know I should be doing that thig, but this thing is more fun and way more cooler (yes ik its wrong English, roll with me will ya?)  and isn’t letting me concentrate. The monkey came out of his cage and yes, I am not trying to tame him! (I’m gonna discipline him…later…trut me it’ll happen…ya know, maybe) yes, for the mind of ADHD, lists and schedules, only go so far. Meds only go so far for some.

Balancing the line between being gentle with yourself and pushing yourself a little more is hard. It’s a daily struggle to do anything from something that might be small to something BIG.

I write this for anyone relating to these feelings. Whether you “have” ADHD or not. I write this to let you know that you are not alone!! There are people in the world facing similar if not, the same challenges as you and that. Is. okay!! I think the lesson here is to embrace your monkey. Embrace the voice in your head trying to distract you from anything that helps you get to your next level in life. If you embrace it and welcome the monkey, he won’t want to be there; his purpose is to annoy you and bother you! If you welcome his shenanigans, he will not want to be around you. This is a lesson to be learned and relearned every day, for the rest of our lives. The monkey won’t go away, but we can certainly learn to live with it rather that reject it, not understand it and become more frustrated every time he comes back.

So, do yourself a favor; make a new friend and embrace your monkey! Future you will thank you for sure.

Regrow

To every guy I’ve ever been with, to every guy I’ve ever loved, to every guy I’ve ever experienced – I left a piece of myself with you along the way. I left pieces of myself I thought I didn’t need, pieces I thought I could live without. After each encounter, each relationship, I didn’t leave whole like I thought I did.

I left parts that wanted healing, acceptance, closure, comfort. Parts that wanted to love and be loved. I abandoned myself without realizing it because I only left “parts” not my whole self. But in fact, I was so wrong. Because when you abandon parts, of something, you, essentially, abandon the entire essence; then later you will realize that nothing ever works when it’s only half put together.

It’s time for a regrowth now, as I am not going to build those parts of me that once were, but allow new substance to grow, filling in the holes that have been ignored. I ignored those hollow parts of myself that were yearning for protection and attention, now I shall give them time and my full attention. I do not wish to backtrack and rebuild with the ruins of past building blocks.

Instead, I will regrow. I will fill in my empty spaces mindfully, intentionally and on purpose. I will replenish myself with dirt from the Earth that nurtures and provides space for new roots to grow. I will tend to my mini gardens of grass that grow tall and strong, taking in the oxygen that has been breathed into my body and transform its energy to inspire a new outlook.

And as these gardens grow, over time they will link in place to secure a fully configured structure that welcomes indifferently both love and hurt. This new fortification will no longer reject, but rather embrace all that is life and all that my being shall experience; welcoming all emotions equally, but guiding the hurt along with compassion and patience, until it finds its way out, and cherishing those lovely feelings, enjoying them as lifelong friends.

Understanding that just like the Earth, us humans also go through seasons. Nothing is constant as well a never guaranteed. This realization allows for me to put my mind at ease and understand; nothing is permanent and if it does not last, it was not meant for me. For timing is everything and we must greet that with acceptance.

As the saying goes, we do not have control over the things that happen to us, but we do have control over how we respond, and my response is to refocus my approach to my life. Cultivating more compassion, more understanding, for both myself and the world around me.

Wildfire

“She’s a special one, you never let her go”

No let her go or else she will erupt in ways unimaginable, like a wildfire through a dry forest. What makes her so special is her desire for life and yearning for adventure. That is also what makes her so unattainable.

It’s a lonely world being a wild child. One with the earth, connecting with the worlds around her. But that’s what make her so beautiful: that she can seem so grounded yet so malleable, being able to fit in different corners of the world and embody those lives and mentalities. She’s a shapeshifter, forming to new adventures.

But alas she is so fleeting. She moves through this life with the grace of a feather floating down from a bird’s body and surfing through the waves of the open winds. Yet just like the wind, she can change at any moment, you can count on that. She is distracted and unfocused for the majority of her time getting lost in her daydreams. Yet she is so keen on finding a focused path that she can pour 100 percent of her heart into. She is ready to feel the fire that lights her soul and fills her with the abundant energy guiding her into a flow so effortless it becomes hypnotic.

So yes, cherish her, love her, embrace her being and breathe in her scent as long as you can. But understand she is fleeting. Remember that she loves you, she wishes her heart could stay with you, but when all is said and done, she needs to listen to her gut and tend to her heart, because if she didn’t, she wouldn’t be the magnetic woman you admire.

If I’m Being Honest

If I’m being honest, I have no idea what I’m doing. I won’t act like I do. I am simply going to write and you, my dear reader, are going to read.

If I’m being honest, all I want is to get to know you. In what capacity, I’m not sure, but I know I want to get to know you. I want to get to know you slowly, on purpose, thoroughly. Not by accident, not because the timing of our thumbs scrolling across a screen prompted an algorithm to match us like playing cards in a guessing game. I want to get to know you slowly, to take my time, to enjoy the walk rather than focus on the destination.

If I’m being honest, I hope this walk turns into a journey, and on this journey I hope to find detours filled with the possibility of swimming deeper into your mind. And with each detour, I want to explore the paths, climb the trees, scale the mountains and run through the fields that lead us to an even grander pasture, opening worlds even our most imaginative minds could not create.

I want to get to know you, all of you, with intent and clarity. I want to get to know you on levels no one else knows about because we are the crafters of our own language.

If I’m being honest, I have no idea what love is anymore. Forever commitment is too daunting, but short term lust is unsustainable. I want to get to know you – no, I need to get to know you. It’s a yearning my heart desires and my body craves, as I type with all the intent in the world, my keyboard getting sticky from the tiny sweat beads bouncing off my hands, forming forever fingerprints on each key.

If I’m being honest, my heart hurts and my soul is heavy. My physical being wants connection instantaneously but my mind has turned off, raising the walls to protect from the scary truth called intimacy.

If I’m being honest, you already anger me. I have known you for so little time, yet you fuel a rage in me that I cannot deny; it must be explored. I have no choice but to befriend my unease and fall in love with this firey passion labeled rage and transform it into a soothing comfort called curiosity that allows me to embrace you as well as explore us together. And just as you anger me, I know I anger you to. I bother you because I cannot meet you where you want me at the exact time you want me. We are two stubborn pillars unable to move out of our own ways, but there is no other option, this must be explored.

If I’m being honest, I am not sure what I want for my forever, but I know what I want for my right now; my present life, the tiny scope in which I can focus on fully, intentionally, thoroughly, on purpose.

If I’m being honest reader, we are doing something extraordinary. We are two souls, four eyes and two minds connecting in one space, coming together in the singular platform presenting these words. We are transcendning time and space through my writing and your reading. We are relaying ideas and sharing a commonality of human closeness.

Reader, if you are are still with me, I want you to know I have no idea what I’m doing or what I want for my forever, but I do know I want you along for this part of my journey and that is nonnegotiable.

Should’s and Stuff

We spend our nights with our eyes squinched and our views’ blurred, with drinks in our hands and bodies crashing into us. But let me ask you….did you have a good time? Did you put yourself around the people who’d enhance your energy? Was your soul provided for in the purest ways? Were you truthfully and abundantly elated in your most bare form, where you could express yourself so honestly, that nothing else mattered? Was it all a hoax to convince your mind that you were having a good time when in fact, you most certainly were not?

I have found myself asking these questions more and more lately, and frankly, I think it’s more telling of a certain theme in my life currently; finding self-identity and looking for my place in this world. Isn’t that such a nice cliché? A 21 yr old girl, studying her way through college, single, and has no clue what she wants to do, but every clue on what she doesn’t want to do. It’s a tale as old as time. Yet, what I have noticed is that we all, at every stage of life, seem to find ourselves riddled with a longing to overturn new stones; continuously searching for a “deeper” meaning to our lives. This is a universal theme all humans experience multiple times in their lives. We all do it. We all hit that brick wall that makes us stop and think, “Is this where I should be in my life right now”?

I think there is some comfort in knowing that we as humans are all in the same boat whether we like it or not. However, when you think about it that way, it almost unveils the masks of these “perfect” lives people supposedly live. It breaks the pressure of living a life of “shoulds”. And yes, it also, on some level, takes away the uniqueness of our journeys and strips it down to the basic template that has in fact been worked with before. This is not to say that your journey or story is not unique, though. I mean it to be quite the opposite actually. I think there is nothing better than having a template that still allows for the ability to recreate and reshape it into something magical and powerful in one’s own rights. The very definition of creativity is recreation; fiddling with a certain aspect of something already made and extracting something new from it. To me, that’s what it means to write your story.

So next time you feel drained, ask yourself, am I doing what my soul needs from me or am I doing what I think I should be doing? Take the template and mold it to fit your life. And while you’re recreating, keep in mind if you were supposed to be doing something, you’d be doing, and if you’re not, that means you’re meant to do something different with your journey.

Shifting Gears

Hey there!

I hope you have been finding the passages from this blog interesting and intuitive. I hope they’ve been inspiring new thoughts in your mind so that you can think about the world from a different perspective.

I realize I haven’t posted much since January. In fact, I haven’t posted anything at all! And I wish I could say I’ve had a good reason for it, but truthfully,  I have let school, and work take up most of my creative time, therefore, I have not put much time into my blog as I would have liked. :(insert sad face here): However, once I figured that out and realized that I can no longer let that happen, something clicked and I decided some things needed to change.

I took a hard look at what I needed from my life and what my life needed me. I had a conversation with myself and said, “Maria, what is bringing you joy? What is making you happy? What have you not done this summer that you have wanted to do but couldn’t because of school or work or any other commitment, that yes is important, but might not necessarily be what’s important in your life now at this point in your life”? So I pulled up my calendar on my computer, looked it over, and said: “What needs to go”? I made decisions; hard ones that needed to be done. Had some conversations with people I trusted and cared about, and who I knew cared about me, reorganized my mind, changed my mindset and shifted gears to position myself in a planning state now, so I can achieve my goals later. I gained more perspective and made yet another decision to act intentionally, more deliberately with my life.

So this is my “checking – in” post. My post to let you guys, my faithful audience know that, I am alive, I am excited and I am ready to shift gears towards the next steps in Veronica.Visions and in my life! Big things will be coming in my schooling, my work and my everchanging, evolution-oriented life project that is Veronica.Visions.

Stick around for a while! You might want to see what happens here, in my (our) little corner of the world 🙂

 

That Girl

I want to be the girl you can’t stop thinking about. The first person you think of in the morning and last person you think about before you drift off into your dreams, where you’ll meet me for a rendezvous in some far off place your mind has conjured up, with the utmost concealment, yet just as much exposure, where our souls can be free but simultaneously secret in the most private of ways.

I want to be that girl that when you awaken, and your eyes are greeted by the sunlight, that dream continues into day and the yearning for my presence persists indefinitely.

I want to be the source of your heart pounding in your chest so hard when you’re next to me that you have no other choice but to press your lips against mine, holding me so close, feeling the rhythm of our beating hearts is what drives every move to the definitive destination where our souls become one.

I want to be the girl you have those fun times with that are just too good to share. And I want to be the girl who makes the hard times a little bit easier just by a simple look, or touch. I want to be all of that, and so much more, but in fact, only time will tell who will be the person who encounters that journey with me.

Because when all is said and done, I need a mate who understands it’s a loving process. A loving process through it all, not just when it’s beneficial for one side. Because after all, my mate will understand that only after I’ve fought my battles, climbed my mountains and bared my scars, proving I can stand as a single pillar alone, that a love so pure and passionate is able to blossom from the cracks of the concrete jungle that is my hindrance. Because being that girl for someone else means nothing if I can’t be that girl for myself first.

Nonna

The night was dark and my body was chilled by the abrasive wind that flew through the air. I stepped through the door threshold, into the house. Surrounding me was warm, gold lighting as my nose was met with the scent of holly and pine mixed with the delicious food that was being prepared in the kitchen. The big picture was a blur, people, objects, everything. Nothing seemed to come into focus. Not until I walked to the kitchen and noticed a prominent figure sitting at the head of the table.

Looking at me from across the room was the most unexpected person. It was Nonna. The woman who encompassed the meaning of faith, forgiveness, and family. I was so frozen in shock, all I could do was drop to the floor in tears. But my crying was not in sadness, it was simply out of shock, awe, but mostly joy. I was overwhelmed by the sight of the woman standing before me.

She knelt down, took my hand, stood me up and gave me the biggest hug she has ever given me in my entire life. She embraced me with every bit of love she had. She was wearing the same dress she had worn the most, therefore making it ‘Nonna’s dress’, being in her most humble form. And then she looked at me. She looked at me with her eyes bright and big, and her smile so warm you could get lost in it. She gave me a kiss on the cheek as if it was the first time she had done that in years, her cheek was as soft as I remember.

Then she spoke to me. She looked me in the eye and told me, in her Broken English, Italian, Nonna voice, “Maria, you are so beautiful and I am so proud of the young woman you are turning into. I know you’ve been struggling but just know it will get better. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be. You are strong. You can overcome anything God gives you because you are my granddaughter and you are strong. I am so happy to see the family back together, I know you can all get through anything together because that is how I raised this family. I did not raise this family to be weak, I raised you all to be strong. Everyone is doing exactly what they’re supposed to be doing and right where you all need to be. Anything that happens from here on out you will get through it because you all have each other, and that is how it is supposed to be”.

She then gave me another hug and lead me to the dining room table where Nonno was sitting. I greeted him. He then looked at me, looked at Nonna, then looked back at me and said, “Isn’t it great to have her back? She’s been away for too long, it’s so good to see her again after all this time”. And then my dream ended.

It’s funny how even in the afterlife we are greeted by the people our spirit needs the most.

Nonna came at a time when I needed guidance the most in my young adult life. She came when I was in probably the darkest place I have ever been in my entire life. It was the most unexpected visitor I could have gotten face time with and I will remember her message to me forever. Her poise and wisdom graced my soul with the compassion I needed but determination I need more. I know she is watching over me and my family every single day. She is finally in the perfect position to make sure we are all safe and being cared for and also taking care of each other. That’s all she ever wanted for her family – for us to be safe, loved and so confident in ourselves that we are able to conquer whatever it is life throws at us. That’s why when I pray I give it up to her. She is the driving force for my faith and the reason I believe in a higher being, and heaven. Since her passing, she has probably instilled more in me to never turn on my faith because it is so important to have.

So, Nonna, I give this up to you. Everything that I am and everything that I am becoming I give up to you. Thank you for continuously keeping watch over myself and our family. I can only hope we are still making you proud and I am so excited for the day we meet again and I am able to feel your embrace once more. Thank you for always protecting me, it never goes unnoticed.